*PSA: This post is very raw, filled with a lot of emotion and unlike any of my others on the blog. I am very uncomfortable writing these things down and then sharing it in cyberspace. I’m not sure if it’s an ego thing, or a feeling of not wanting to burden others with my emotions, or the inability to export my thoughts out of my head and on to paper. I do a pretty damn good job of controlling my emotions, maybe too good. Yes, I am human. I have emotions. I do feel. I’m not perfect, but that past fear of being judged when I was younger and more immature about this topic has left a tiny scar in my limbic system. So before you read any further, you can stop here and meet me back next Wednesday (it’s gonna be May 😉) for my next post. Or keep reading. Maybe you can resonate with this post. Maybe it will help you deal with something in your life.
A few days ago, I cried for the first time in a few months, and certainly the first time since the corona took over. And not just the ‘a few tears because I’m 31 and I’m watching Mufasa die for the millionth time’ cry. It was the ugly cry, sobbing-and-shaking-uncontrollably, unable-to-breathe, curl-into-fetal-pose cry. I was outright pissed, scared, confused, hurt, frustrated, sad, guilty and f*cking anxious.
And already I feel vulnerable writing that last paragraph down. Many of my friends, fellow yogis, and those of you who I have never met, have cried many times since COVID began. Because you felt all or a mixture of these emotions so strongly earlier on for one reason or another. Does this make me a heartless, emotionless monster? Someone who cannot feel? Of course not. But, this too, crossed my mind. I have tried many, many times to cry. Remember Amanda (Cameron Diaz) in the movie The Holiday? How she couldn’t get just one tear to fall down her cheek? Yeah, that’s how I have felt for a while now.
Until the other day.
I turned into a blubbering mess, for lack of a better term. All of the emotions, all of the guilt for not being able to express them until then, and all of the confusion that went along with it erupted out of me like a volcano. And all it took was one trigger, one case of mistrust, one encounter that spiraled me back to a dark time in my life. And then all of my anxieties about these extraordinary times also bubbled up.
And so I cried on. I threw things. I screamed into my yoga mat. I cursed - a lot. I held my head in my hands because eventually it was too heavy to hold itself up on its own. Although I eventually calmed down, talked to a trusted family member, and went on with my day, writing this post brings up all of the emotions I felt that afternoon.
I have to note that I am generally a optimistic, happy person, and even more so since ladybugs 🐞happened (please cue Under the Tuscan Sun). I am also a thinker more than a feeler, have an analytical left-sided brain, and prefer black and white answers to all that grey matter. Since really diving into my yoga practice a few years ago, I have been better able to understand my emotions, let them happen, acknowledge them, be thankful for them, fine-tune them, analyze them, and then let them go. So why does this one thing have such a powerful impact on me?
This question continued to haunt me. And then I remembered once again...I AM HUMAN. Stop being hard on yourself! It's ok to feel. It's ok to have these emotions. Move forward, Carrie! And so I did.
Goodness knows I needed that cry. So regardless of the reason behind it, there was a tremendous release of stagnant energy that needed to get the f*ck out of me. And now that it has been some time since the incident, I have had time to think about these feelings, the reasonings behind them, how they came to be, and I have finally accepted them for what they are.
I think one of the most powerful things in life is acceptance of one’s true self, and not feeling guilty about your real emotions. Not the fake shit that we all pretend to feel to make others like us, or to make our friends or family happy. I’m talking the down-and-dirty, good and ugly, 💯RAW, natural emotion.
Get it out there. Accept your emotions, or lack-there-of. I know I won't have emotion for every experience in my life because that is who I am. For me, it's been a journey and a hard lesson to learn and rejoice in. I know I’ve grown in this experience more than I ever have, and I hope I continue to evolve with it.
As always, I hope you are doing well, staying healthy and safe, and continue to find yourself on your mat. 🙏